The Last Words We Said Read online

  “I’m going to take a year off and then go to culinary school. That’s always been the plan,” Rae counters. “You know that.”

  “And I’m going to seminary in Israel for a year,” Deenie adds. “I’m still trying to decide which one, but at least I’m looking.”

  So you’ll be halfway across the globe when Danny comes back, I think. How can you accept that? How are either of you still making plans?

  “You’ve changed, Ellie,” Deenie says. “It’s like you’re hiding behind Danny.”

  I feel his presence behind me before I turn to find him coming down the basement stairs. It’s such a relief to see him, to have someone here on my side.

  “Rae gave up on me the minute the cops told them I was missing,” he says, walking up to me. His voice is distant and cold. “And Deenie just buried herself in God. They never tried to find out what really happened.”

  He’s right, I realize. They never fought for him. They just accepted that he was gone and tried to move on. And now he needs me to call them out.

  I cross my arms and take a step toward them. “Deenie, you really aren’t one to talk about hiding, you know that?”

  “What do you mean?” Deenie’s voice is guarded suddenly; her eyes drop down to her dress. She knows exactly what I mean.

  “Look what you’re wearing,” I say, pointing to the flowing ash-colored outfit she has on. “Where in the Torah does it say you need to wear a garbage sack?” Deenie flinches; her lips fall open, but she doesn’t respond. I wonder if I’ve gone too far, but Danny gives me a curt nod of encouragement.

  We aren’t done yet.

  I focus on Rae. “When Danny comes back, he’s going to ask you why you gave up on him.” I barely register the hurt in her eyes before I swing back to Deenie. “And why you look like a cult member.”

  They both stare at me, and Deenie starts to cry silently. Rae puts her arm around her.

  “Danny would never say that, and you know it,” Rae tells me.

  Deenie wipes her cheeks. She takes a deep breath, and her eyes shift upward to focus on Danny’s face. They stare at each other for a moment. “I don’t know who’s standing behind you, Ellie,” she tells me in a hushed voice. “But that isn’t Danny.”

  #KISSAGINGER

  OR

  #MYGODWOULDAPPROVE

  I expected to wake up the morning after our first kiss feeling guilty and sinful. After all, we’d just gone from borderline shomer to full-on making out in my bedroom until two in the morning. My parents would have been scandalized. Deenie would pretend to understand, but I’d know she was disappointed. Even Rae would have been shocked.

  But the only thing I felt was impatient. I wanted to break the rules again. I wanted to discover new boundaries, just so we could tear through them. We were better than the rules, I decided. We’d crossed the line, and nothing terrible had happened. Danny loved me and I loved him. We hadn’t said so exactly—we’d been too busy discovering each other’s lips and neck (and very briefly the top of my chest). But it was understood.

  Something else that was understood: our adventure the previous night was our little secret. I’d made sure of that before he’d left.

  “You won’t tell anyone, right?” I’d pressed him as he scrambled over my windowsill and grasped the overhanging tree branch.

  He grinned. “I was live-tweeting the whole thing,” he teased. “Check out #kissaginger.”

  “I’m serious!” I insisted. “It’s just between us. Okay?”

  He shrugged and swung himself onto the branch. “I don’t care who knows. I’m not ashamed. But I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to.”

  “Promise?”

  “I promise. The best night of my life is a secret. Don’t worry. I got it. I’ll see you at Bruster’s at ten.” He winked at me and then vanished into the shadows.

  I crawled back into bed, but I didn’t even bother trying to fall asleep. My head was exploding with plans for the coming days.

  Our first few kisses had excited him and even made him moan once—toward the end. It was hard to tell what was more intoxicating—my own excitement or the sound of his. But it was no longer enough for me. I didn’t just want to be Danny’s first kiss. I wanted to be his one and only everything. I wasn’t repentant or guilty; I was impatient. We’d already broken the biggest rule, and it had been glorious. So why couldn’t I have a little fun?

  Chapter 18

  “I have a story for you.”

  I jump when I hear her voice. Deenie is standing in my bedroom doorway clutching a math book to her chest.

  I shove away my homework. “I thought you were coming over to study trig. And besides, you already told me a Danny anecdote. That thing about the horses.” I don’t add that I know that her tale was actually a pile of horse crap.

  “Yeah—about that,” she says uncomfortably. “It wasn’t true.” She sits down next to me and lays her textbook on my desk. “I’m sorry.”

  “Oh.” I’m not sure how to respond. I wasn’t expecting a confession from her, not after our last meeting. We were still walking on eggshells around each other after that botched intervention. “So why did you lie?”

  “You took me by surprise when you asked,” she explains. “And I panicked. So, I just made something up.”

  It’s a strange explanation, but I don’t call her on it. I can’t imagine why a request for a story would make anyone panic, but I decide it’s best not to challenge her right now, not if I want her to open up. I pick up my pencil and flip open my story notes to a blank page. “Okay, then. Go ahead.”

  She reaches out her hand and shuts the notebook. “Please just listen. It’s kind of an embarrassing story, and it’ll distract me if you’re writing.”

  I’m dying to hear it now, even though I’m not completely convinced that I’ll agree with Deenie’s definition of “embarrassing.” She gets embarrassed pretty easily.

  “I’m ready when you are.”

  She drops her eyes and pulls nervously at her sleeve. “It happened right before you guys started dating. At the end of tenth grade.” She pauses again and glances around the room.

  “Don’t worry, Deenie. He’s not—”

  “I know he’s not here,” she interrupts. “It’s just that I’ve never told anyone this before. And I’m kind of nervous.”

  “Well, I really appreciate it,” I tell her sincerely. “I know how much Danny means to you. And how hard it is for you to talk about him.”

  She meets my gaze for the first time since walking into the room, and I’m struck again by the emotion in those large, innocent brown eyes. I’ve known Deenie since elementary school, and I’ve gotten used to her looks, but she still makes me lose my breath every so often. She doesn’t even realize her own power; there isn’t a touch of makeup on her skin, and she’s dressed in the most unflattering clothes, but nothing she can do can hide her natural beauty. I want to tell her how sweet she looks right now, but I know it isn’t the time—and anyway, I don’t think she wants to hear it. Compliments seem to hurt her more than criticism lately.

  “It’s hard. But I don’t like secrets,” she says. “Not between friends.”

  “Me neither.”

  She takes a deep breath. “So here goes. Secret number one.”

  I can’t help laughing. “Jeez, Deenie, how many do you have?”

  She ignores my interruption and barrels ahead, as if worried that a pause will break her nerve. “Okay. So, this one time I caught Danny doing something really embarrassing. And I totally freaked out at him.”

  I’m suddenly glad that she made me close my notebook. No way this is going in my collection. Not if the embarrassing thing is what I think it is—

  “Ugh, Deenie.” I put my fingers in my ears. “Maybe this should stay a secret. I’m not sure I want to hear this.”

  She flushes to the roots of her hair and waves her hands. “Oh, no! Not that! He was just watching something on the computer. But I caught a glimpse of it before
he shut his laptop. And it wasn’t—nice.”

  I’m trying really hard to keep a straight face, but she’s making it impossible. Deenie looks like she’s about to melt into a puddle of shame at my feet. Her misery is more interesting than the story, because, really, we live in the twenty-first century. And we all have access to the Internet. So sometimes videos get sent and things get watched. Sometimes they get watched a lot. That’s why we have an “erase history” button. Still, I’m guessing Deenie has never had to use hers.

  I allow myself a little smile at her expense. “Are you saying that you caught him watching porn?”

  She exhales and clasps her hands together. “Are you upset? I don’t have to continue if you don’t want.”

  I’m giggling now; I can’t help it. “I’m fine. Keep going.”

  She seems offended by my laughter. “It isn’t funny, Ellie. It totally freaked me out.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he’s my friend. And it was wrong.”

  I’m about to protest; I want to assure her that most of the young men we know had probably dipped into that side of the Internet at some point in their lives and it’s no big deal. But I can’t help noting that she’d just used the present tense when referring to her friendship with Danny. And that detail feels more important to me at this moment than anything else. So, I let it go.

  “What did you do?” I ask her.

  “I screamed.” She smiles faintly at the memory, but her cheeks are still glowing. “I grabbed the computer from his hands and threw it against the wall.”

  “Oh my God.”

  Her smile broadens. “Yeah. That’s what he said.”

  “And then?”

  “I just kept screaming. ‘How can you watch that stuff?’ I yelled at him. ‘Don’t you know that it’s demeaning to women?’ He didn’t try to defend himself. He just kept repeating, ‘Okay, okay. I’m sorry.’ Over and over. ‘I’m sorry, Deenie, I’m sorry.’ But I kept screaming. Like, right up in his face. So, he climbed onto his bed to get away from me. I’m pretty sure I scared him to death.”

  “I bet you did.”

  Her cheeks have faded to a normal color, and her expression relaxes a little. She seems to be enjoying this part of the story; she gives me a little smile before continuing.

  “ ‘How could you watch that?’ I asked him. ‘Many of those girls have been abused as children. Did you know that? You’re basically supporting the exploitation of women when you look at that stuff.’ He put his hands up in surrender. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said again. ‘Someone sent it to me. It was my first time.’ I waved my finger in his face, and he shrunk back against the wall. ‘Okay, almost my first…’

  “But it wasn’t good enough for me. I pointed at the computer bits on the ground. ‘I’m glad I smashed that idol,’ I told him. ‘But you still have your phone. And the TV. So, I need you to promise me.’

  “ ‘What?’ he said. ‘What do you want?’

  “ ‘Never again,’ I said. ‘You will never watch anything X-rated again.’

  “ ‘Are you serious?’

  “I crossed my arms. ‘Yes. If you want to stay friends with me. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand knowing this about you.’

  “ ‘Deenie—relax. It has nothing to do with you.’

  “ ‘It has everything to do with me! Would you try to peek at me while I’m naked?’

  “ ‘No! Of course not! That’s totally different.’

  “ ‘It isn’t! The woman in that video deserves as much respect as I do. And she can’t demand it for herself. So, I will for her. Now I want you to promise. Can you do that?’

  “He sank down onto the bed and leaned against the wall. We both stayed silent for a few moments while he considered it. Watching him think about it actually calmed me down a little. If he’d promised quickly, I would have wondered if he was just lying to make me go away. But I could tell that he was planning to take this vow seriously. That meant a lot to me.

  “ ‘What if I mess up?’ he asked finally. ‘What happens then? Do I have to confess to you?’

  “This was getting way too creepy and personal for me. I didn’t want to be his confessor, especially not for this. I just wanted him to promise so I didn’t have to think about it anymore. But Danny needed to iron out every detail before he committed.

  “ ‘How hard is it to just—not?’ I pointed out. ‘Don’t click on it, okay? That’s it.’

  “ ‘I know, I know. But what if I screw up? People screw up, right? We have a whole prayer on Yom Kippur about the million human screwups that we repent for. I want to know how I repent for this.’

  “I hadn’t thought past smashing his computer. What was the penalty if he broke the rule? I couldn’t keep destroying his electronics. ‘How about this?’ I suggested. ‘If you watch that stuff—you have to exile yourself.’

  “He laughed for the first time. ‘Exile? Like a leper in the Bible?’

  “ ‘Yes. From the group. You can’t hang out with the three of us. For a whole week.’

  “He considered again. ‘Okay. Do I have to tell you all why I’m staying away?’

  “ ‘No, that would be weird. It’ll be our secret.’

  “ ‘All right. I promise.’ ”

  Deenie pauses, and I shake my head in awe. “Wow, Deenie. Remind me to never make you mad.”

  “Well, I did buy him a new computer,” she says defensively. “I used most of my bat mitzvah savings.”

  “So have you ever wondered if he kept his promise?”

  She hesitates. “Well—”

  I slap my hand on the table. “Oh my God. At the end of summer vacation, when Danny disappeared for a week. Remember? He said he had really contagious pneumonia? And that we weren’t allowed to visit him because we could catch it. Was that really—”

  She grins and gets up from her chair. “He sent me a text too. It just said, ‘Soul pneumonia. See ya in a week.’ ”

  MY KNIGHT WITH AN ICE CREAM CONE

  Naughty girl or not, I wasn’t quite ready to venture outside of PG-rated territory. I wouldn’t be throwing all boundaries out the window—not for a long, long time. Whatever Danny and I did would need to be within the bounds of regularly scheduled TV programs, not HBO or Cinemax. So, I had to come up with something shocking while still conforming to acceptable daytime TV fare.

  Translation: all clothing would stay on.

  And the twist? My outfit would simply be missing a crucial item.

  Danny was waiting for me on our usual park bench with my dairy-free sundae. He half rose to greet me, and his face lit up in a smile as I slid in next to him. I was playing it cool, though. I wanted to see how long it would take until he noticed that I was considerably freer beneath my shirt. So, I watched him over my spoon as I took dainty licks of my ice cream. He quickly finished off his double helping with a puzzled Oh, so we’re just pretending everything is normal? expression on his face.

  When he was done, he just sat there next to me, fiddling with his cup and smiling at me. But there was no shock, no curiosity, nothing out of the ordinary at all. He was actually looking at my eyes! A total gentleman!

  And I couldn’t exactly undo centuries of women’s struggles by declaring, “Hey, buddy! My chest is down there!”

  “So,” I said, after he dropped the cartons in the trash and wiped his hands. “What now?”

  He glanced around the empty hill. We were shielded from the ice cream stand by some trees and scrubby bushes. It wasn’t exactly private, but there was no one around at that moment.

  “What did you have in mind?” he asked.

  I had something very dirty in mind, but I couldn’t actually say it. So, I grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him backward until he was pressed up against a tree. “Oh,” he said. “But—”

  I don’t know what he’d been planning to tell me, but he didn’t manage to say anything for the next few minutes. I stole all his words. It was amazing—so much better than o
ur first kisses.

  And yet—he still hadn’t discovered my surprise.

  The problem was that his hands were too tame. They rested respectfully at my waist, and though his lips explored the angle of my jaw and the dip over my clavicle, his hands stayed put, as if glued to the small of my back. I finally gathered up the courage to push them upward, and he responded by running his fingers up my spine and through my hair.

  There, I thought. Surely he got it now. I leaned back a little and gave him a sexy smile.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered. He was looking into my eyes again.

  This penny was never going to drop, I realized. Silly jokes aside, Danny was actually more innocent than I was. I couldn’t believe it. Was I really the naughty one in this relationship?

  “How am I so lucky?” he said, pulling me back toward him.

  The only kiss I regret was the one that followed those sweet words. Because only a second later, the moment was shattered by a high-pitched shout. Then I heard my name, and Danny gasped as I spun around.

  There, standing just a few feet in front of us, were my parents. Dad was holding a melting ice cream cone in his hand. Mom’s was on the ground by her feet.

  There was a horrible, shocked silence. My dad was glaring at Danny, but Mom’s eyes were fixed on me; they traveled from my burning face to my flimsy top and stopped there. My arms flew up to cover my chest, but my reaction was too slow. My father was obviously clueless, but Mom had immediately spotted my missing bra. She inhaled sharply; her eyes narrowed and flashed a warning. She was going to keep my secret, she told me silently, but she was never going to let me forget it.

  Before I could speak, Danny jumped between me and my parents. “Don’t be mad at her!” he blurted out. “I know it doesn’t look like it—but what you saw was my fault.” He was breathing so fast, I thought he was going to pass out. “Ellie is totally shomer,” he insisted. “We’ve never touched before, I swear.” He swallowed and looked at the ground. “Well, only once before, but that was also all me. You should be mad at me.” Was that a flicker of a smile on my dad’s face? It vanished as quickly as it came, but I relaxed a little, though my mom’s eyes were still burning a hole through me. There was no hint of a smile there; she was as serious as death.