The Last Words We Said Page 20

  I sit up and reach out for her hand, but she pulls away from me and scoots back on the bed.

  “I promise you’ll understand everything soon. You can stay with me when I speak to him. I don’t want to have any more secrets from you. But Danny’s father has to be the first to hear. He deserves to know the truth about what happened that night.”

  “The truth?” Her voice vibrates with a new fear; her pale face turns a shade whiter. “What kind of truth?”

  “It’s okay,” I tell her softly. “I’ve been holding something in for months, and I can’t stand it anymore. I want everyone to know.” She doesn’t reply, but the bed shakes with her trembling. I reach out to her again, but she recoils from my touch. “Deenie, what’s going on?” I ask her. “Why are you so upset?”

  “I’m not upset,” she whispers. “I just think it’s a bad time to talk about this. It’s Yom Kippur.”

  “I know. But I can’t say I’m repenting while I’m sitting on this lie. I can’t wait anymore.”

  She nods and turns away so I can’t see her face. “Okay,” she says finally. Her voice is barely audible.

  “Okay? Is that a promise?”

  A long pause this time. She squares her shoulders and takes a deep breath. “I swear. I’ll come with you to make sure you go through with it.”

  “Thank you,” I whisper, and lie back on my bed. “You’re a good friend.”

  She doesn’t reply, and it occurs to me that this might be the last time I will tell her that. I’m not sure she’s going to want to speak to me again after my confession tonight, and the thought that I might lose her hurts so much that I can’t bear to look at her. Deenie and Rae are my closest friends, but I’m more afraid of what Deenie will think when she hears about what I did. Deenie had no role in the events that took place on New Year’s. She wasn’t even at the party and only heard about Danny’s disappearance hours after we did. Rae was there; it was her grandparents’ cabin. She’d helped set out the snacks and appointed herself key-keeper for the kids who’d had too much to drink. Sometimes I wonder if Rae will be surprised by my confession. She’s no stranger to spur-of-the-moment decisions, both good and bad, so I think on some level she’ll be able to relate to me.

  But Deenie? Her moral compass has always guided her every action, so I don’t think she’ll ever understand what I did. I believe Rae will eventually make her peace with me. But I don’t think Deenie will ever forgive me. She’ll say she has, because it’s the right thing to do. But there will be a wall between us forever.

  “Deenie, you’re a good friend,” I repeat softly, because I want to say it now, as many times as I can, while I still have the chance.

  She doesn’t answer me, and when I open my eyes, the room is empty. She slipped away when I wasn’t looking, and I have a sick sense that this is it. Deenie has always been there for me before, no matter what. But that was for the old Ellie, who never would have hurt the boy she loved. Everything is about to change, and I get the feeling that I’m staring into our new future. And it’s so, so quiet.

  THE ACCIDENT

  I was enjoying my own anger. I doubt I would have admitted it, but it felt kind of good to be righteously mad, to be absolutely certain that I was right a thousand times over. I knew that Danny was probably sitting somewhere, miserably alone—and thinking about me. Maybe he was even crying a little. I’d never seen him cry, and the idea that I was the cause of it, that his love for me was wringing his heart, felt a little romantic.

  I let myself enjoy the picture of a forlorn Danny for a moment, before shaking the image from my mind. What kind of a person enjoys the pain of the one they love? “Psychopath,” I said to my reflection in the mirror. “You’re a real sicko, you know that?”

  My puffy, tear-streaked face stared back at me. It was kind of a pathetic face, all droopy and blotchy. My swollen eyes were a testament to the sleepless nights I’d spent, agonizing over our fight and what I’d said to him. I wasn’t a psychopath, I assured myself. Not really. I had every right to be furious, and Danny deserved to be sorry.

  And I really had been through hell over the last week. I’d suffered through two days of school after our fight until winter break began. So now I didn’t have to see Danny, but I also couldn’t see anyone else. I was so grounded that even Deenie and Rae weren’t allowed to come by. My parents were very clear with me. They may have understood the violation of the shomer rules. But the lying and sneaking around were inexcusable. I pointed out that they hadn’t really left me a choice. That didn’t make things better. All communication with my friends was cut off. Deenie managed to slip me her phone when she ran into us at the supermarket. After three days of isolation I was finally able to send messages to my friends. I sent them pics of my puffy face.

  Danny used the opportunity to send me the most pathetic apology ever written. He was sitting at the base of our tree when he wrote it. I refused to come to the window.

  An hour later I relented and leaned out to look for him. He’d given up and gone home, and I climbed back into bed, disappointed.

  I was sorry he had gone. Without realizing it, I’d gotten over my anger. The boiling part of my rage had passed sometime with my last cry, and now I just felt righteous and wounded.

  But I wasn’t ready to pick up the phone yet. I was getting to the point where I could imagine our make-up kiss, but I wanted him to take the first step.

  Or rather, the next step. He’d already taken a bunch of first steps (which I’d rejected). So, I was waiting for his last try.

  At the end of the week my grounding was lifted and I was allowed to rejoin humanity. But I had nowhere to go.

  Still, it was pretty lonely being righteous in my room. Rae begged me to come to the New Year’s party. “It’ll take your mind off things. You’ll have fun. Cut loose a little.”

  “I may not be grounded anymore, but my parents won’t let me go to a party,” I pointed out. “Why don’t you ask Deenie if she—”

  She laughed before I finished the question.

  “A party with alcohol? You know she’ll never come,” she said. “Come on. Tell them you’re sleeping over at my house. They won’t mind that. Please?”

  “But Danny will be at the party,” I protested.

  “So what? School is starting again next week. You can’t avoid him forever.”

  “I’m not ready yet.”

  So I sat at home while my friends drove off to the lake cabin. I waited, hoping for someone to call, but by midnight I still hadn’t heard from anyone. The party was already in full swing, I told myself. It was too late to change my mind.

  I studied the raw peeling skin around my nose and the limp red curls clinging to my forehead. My mother was taking me to get this awful haircut fixed on Monday. “The Ginger Bermuda Triangle,” Rae had called it.

  I couldn’t believe how upset I’d been about something so temporary. Just two weeks ago, my biggest worry had been my puffy hair. Danny and I hadn’t had our big fight yet; we were still the happy couple. Only two weeks ago!

  My silent phone stared at me from between my pillows. No one had posted anything about New Year’s yet—not a single pic or tag. I’d checked. Twelve times. The party had probably flopped and they’d all gone home. Maybe Danny was already in bed, staring at his phone, like I was. He hadn’t logged in to Messenger in over an hour, though. I wasn’t sure what that meant.

  My cell buzzed, and I shot forward to grab it as it slid off my pillow.

  “Hello?”

  “Ellie?” Rae’s voice had an urgent ring to it. I could hear the roar of music and laughter in the background. Party was still on, then. “Did I wake you?”

  “No. What’s going on?”

  There was a short pause, and I could hear her breathing heavily.

  “Rae, is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m stepping outside. I don’t want anyone to hear.”

  “Hear what?”

  “Ellie, can you get down here? Like, right now.” />
  It was such a strange request, and her voice was so shaky, it scared me a little. This wasn’t a normal party invitation. “Why? What’s going on?”

  “Nothing.” She swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “I just think you really need to be here.”

  “Why?” I said. “Tell me what’s wrong!”

  “I just—” She paused again and swore under her breath. “Wait, you’re home, right? So you’re, like, an hour away.”

  “Where else would I be?” I glanced outside. The rain was beating at my window; just a few minutes earlier a spray of hail had crackled against the sill. “Rae, if you really want me to come, I’ll have to sneak out. And I’ll probably get grounded for a month if my parents find out.”

  “Yeah, never mind. I don’t want you driving an hour in this weather. I didn’t really think it through.”

  “You still haven’t told me why.”

  Another pause. A long one. Behind her an entire verse of “Counting Stars” played out until she finally answered me. “I need you to do something for me,” she said.

  “Of course. Whatever you need.”

  “Call Danny. Please.”

  “Rae. I told you I wasn’t ready—”

  “Do it now. This minute. As soon as I hang up.”

  I considered the urgency in her voice. I’d never heard her so upset. “Okay, I’ll call,” I promised her. “But can you at least tell me why? What’s the emergency?”

  She sniffed and cleared her throat. “Danny’s here at the party.”

  “I know he is. So?”

  “He’s had a lot to drink, all right? And I don’t think he’s thinking clearly.”

  It was my turn to be scared; Rae was trying to warn me, to protect me from something. I was stuck in my bedroom while something terrible was happening to Danny, and I was powerless to stop it. Why hadn’t I listened to her and gone to the party when she’d asked? “What’s going on?” I demanded. “What is he doing?”

  “Nothing,” she replied quickly. Her voice sounded congested and muffled. “Nothing.”

  “What happened?” I persisted. “Are you okay? You sound like you’ve been crying.”

  “I’m fine. I’m not crying. Just—” She cleared her throat again. “It’s just that—there’s this girl here—”

  There was a crash behind her, and she swore again; a door slammed, followed by a brief episode of yelling about a broken vase.

  “I have to go,” she said. “Just call him, okay?”

  “Hold on! What girl? You were telling me about a girl.”

  “Yeah, she’s just—she won’t leave Danny alone.” Her voice shook. “She’s kind of attached herself to him.”

  I felt my pulse quicken.

  “Rae, what are they doing?”

  “Nothing. It’s nothing.” She sniffed and muttered something I couldn’t hear. “Look, Ellie, I gotta go.”

  She hung up before I could thank her, and I sat there staring at the phone, confused and miserable. What would I say to him? I wondered. Should I ask him about the girl? I couldn’t do that. I didn’t want him to think I was some jealous overprotective girlfriend, just calling to check up on him, to make sure that no one else got their hands on him while I stewed at home. That’s not who I was. He was free to do as he pleased. And yet—that’s exactly why I was calling, I thought, as I pulled up his number. I was calling because the image of that nameless girl and Danny was freaking me out.

  He picked up on the second ring.

  “Ellie?” He sounded out of breath. “Is that you? I’m just stepping outside.” There was a door slam, and the noise of the party vanished. “Where are you? Are you here?”

  “No. I’m home.”

  “Oh.” There was a brief pause. “I thought maybe you’d changed your mind.”

  “I did.” I was suddenly desperate to see him. Right then. I couldn’t wait until morning. “I miss you.”

  “I miss you too.” He said it so quickly that the words blended together. “I wish you were here.”

  There had never been a nameless girl, not for him. I knew it the moment he spoke. The party could have been filled with random flirty girls but Danny wouldn’t have noticed them.

  “I really want to see you,” I said. “Can you come back?”

  “I want to see you too. But—I don’t know if I can get back tonight. Rae took my keys.” He had to repeat it twice before I could understand the slurring.

  “So get them from her.”

  He hesitated. “I can’t—I can’t talk to her right now. And anyway she’s not going to let me drive like this.”

  I considered for a second.

  In my fantasy world, the one where I got to kiss Danny as the sun rose, I smiled and told him to go lie down. To sleep it off. And he listened to me, because he loved me. Just hours later, when dawn broke, he woke me up with a tap at my window.

  In the real world, I barely paused a moment. “Remember the Purim party? She put the keys in her purse and stuck it under the kitchen sink.”

  He hesitated again. “Okay. I’ll try to sneak into the house. I have to make sure Rae doesn’t see me.”

  “Great. I’ll be waiting.”

  I wish I could say that I regretted my advice the moment he hung up. That I dialed again before he even got inside and made him promise to wait until he’d sobered up. But the thought never even crossed my mind. He loved me and I loved him, and our love was invincible. Danny was coming back in less than an hour; I could actually count the minutes until I saw him. That was the only thing that mattered.

  The second hand on my alarm clock ticked off twenty minutes until my phone buzzed again.

  “Ellie?” He was shouting into the phone. “Can you hear me?”

  “Yeah. Where are you?”

  I could hear his teeth chattering. “I’m not sure. Sitting on a bridge somewhere.” He sighed and his voice shook. “God, I don’t know what to do. I really screwed up.”

  “What happened?”

  There was a shout and some muffled swearing. “Great. Just what I needed.”

  “Are you okay?”

  A minute of silence passed before he spoke again. “I totaled the car,” he told me. “Plowed right into the guardrail. My dad’s going to be furious.”

  “Are you all right?”

  “I’m fine. But I need to get off this bridge. It’s so windy up here, I can barely hear you.”

  “Can you wait in the car until somebody comes? It’s freezing outside.”

  “The windshield’s shattered. There’s glass all over the seat. I cut my hand trying to get out.”

  “Are you bleeding?”

  “No. I don’t know. Only a little.”

  “I can sneak out,” I suggested. “I’ll come get you. Just send me your location—”

  He cut me off before I could finish. “No. I don’t want you to drive in this weather. Don’t worry, I’ll figure something out.”

  “Can you call a cab or a Lyft?”

  “I have to find someplace warm to wait.” He sighed and went quiet. I could hear the wail of the wind and the patter of freezing rain beating against him.

  “Don’t wait up for me, Ellie,” he said finally.

  “It’s fine. I don’t mind—”

  “No, I need a few hours before I call anyone. Or I’ll lose my license. I shouldn’t have been driving tonight.” He wasn’t slurring anymore, but I realized he was probably right. If the cops picked him up in his current state, he would be in serious trouble.

  “What are you going to do?”

  He sighed again. “I’ll see you in a few hours, okay?”

  “Okay. I’ll wait for you.”

  “No, get some sleep,” he said. “I’ll tap on your window in the morning.”

  In my fantasy world, that was when I told him that I loved him. That I forgave him and that I wished I’d forgiven him sooner. That I’d dream of kissing him until I saw him again. That I would wait forever, if that’s what it took. That I would
never give up.

  But I wanted to say those things in person. So all I said was, “All right. Be careful.”

  Considering what happened next, maybe “be careful” were the only words that mattered that night.

  Chapter 23

  The final hours of the Yom Kippur service are a test, and I’m determined to make them count. I stand through the entire thing, even though the cantor urges those who are weak to sit down to preserve their strength. I say every single word, I bow, I pound my chest with renewed energy. This hunger is nothing, my thirst doesn’t matter; I’m running on pure terror and conviction. The verses of neilah are no longer just a prelude to the breaking of a fast. This is my last prayer before my true act of repentance. These are the words that will bring Danny home.

  Deenie sags in her chair by the end, but as the shofar is blown to signify the end of service, she climbs to her feet and grips the edge of the pew. Her head droops against her chest, and she sways slightly before I reach out to steady her.

  Her mother tries to take her hand, but Deenie shakes her head. “Ellie and I have to talk to Mr. Edelstein tonight. I’ll meet you at home.”

  She’s so pale that I want to take it back; it seems selfish to prolong her fast. “Deenie, it can wait—” I begin, but she cuts me off.

  “No, it can’t. I promised.”

  Our mothers exchange looks, and my mom gives me a brief hug before heading out with Mrs. Garner. “Rae is eating with us tonight,” she calls over her shoulder. “Don’t be too long; we’ll be waiting for you.”

  Deenie and I take our time walking toward the foyer. There’s a brief night service after the close of the holiday; most of the men stay for that while the women rush home to heat the food for the breaking of the fast. When it’s finally over and they all file out, Deenie and I stand patiently by the exit, waiting for Danny’s father. But Mr. Edelstein doesn’t appear. I peek into the empty sanctuary and shake my head.

  “He’s not here. Maybe we missed him?”

  Deenie sighs. “I suppose he went home early. I guess we can just meet him at his house.”

  As we cross the parking lot, I hear someone calling my name. Rae is rushing toward us and waving for us to stop.