Your Voice Is All I Hear Read online

  Kris felt the whole kiss situation was very concerning. Jonah and I were into the second week when her texts starting getting embarrassing.

  Are we there yet?

  No.

  How about now?

  Get a hobby, Kris.

  During the second weekend of our relationship, Jonah’s mother called mine and invited us to a family picnic near Quarry Lake. I was totally against the idea at first, but my mom had already made a giant quinoa pudding, so I didn’t have much choice. As it turned out, Mrs. Golden was a quinoa fanatic, so their friendship was instant (and very wholesome). After ten minutes of listening to “Really? Quinoa meatloaf?” Jonah suggested a private stroll across the playground. Katie was swinging on the jungle gym, and our mothers were walking Lady. It was the perfect time to sneak away. Halfway up the garden path, we paused and looked over the green. It was a beautiful spot—quiet, secluded, with a gorgeous outlook. There was a cluster of trees close to the path, and we settled beneath them for a rest. It was a cool and hazy evening, and the setting sun had stained the clouds a wild indigo against the darkening sky. We didn’t have much longer, I realized. Our family would be looking for us soon, but I wanted to savor this moment before we had to go.

  Jonah pulled me close to him when we sat down, and his arms tightened around my shoulders; I felt him lay his cheek against my forehead. I turned around to look at him, and he ran his fingers through my hair, pulled me close, and kissed me, timidly at first, then slightly bolder, and then with an intensity that took my breath away.

  I’d waited forever for that perfect moment. I’d dreamed of it every night since I’d met him and practiced it over and over in my imagination. But no dream could have come close to the reality. In my fantasy, I hadn’t heard him catch his breath before he bent his head toward me. I hadn’t imagined the feel of his firm hands against my cheeks. I hadn’t felt the thrill of warmth as his lips brushed mine. I could never have guessed that I’d be shaking by the end.

  He looked worried when I pulled away. “Is something wrong?” he whispered hoarsely. “Moving too fast?”

  “Not at all.” My voice caught on the words.

  “You sure?”

  I smiled. “If you didn’t make a move today, I was prepared to tackle you.”

  He laughed and pulled me roughly onto his lap. “Damn it. I knew I should have waited longer.” With one finger, he traced the outline of my lips, then parted them and kissed me again.

  And that’s where my daydream ends when I think about that day. I’m curled up in his arms. He’s smiling at me and brushing his hand against my cheek.

  But if I have to, when they force me to remember everything and describe when I first sensed something was wrong, I have to end that scene the way it really happened. I have to remember past our kiss. He was holding me as I described. I glanced up at him and was about to speak when I saw that he wasn’t looking at me anymore. His body was tense, his eyes narrowed in concentration. I slid off his lap and stared out into the darkness, trying to see what he was staring at. “What’s wrong, Jonah?” I asked him as he scrambled to his feet.

  He shook his head distractedly and started back across the path. “I heard Katie scream. She must have fallen and hurt herself.”

  I hadn’t heard anything, but of course I hadn’t been paying attention to anyone but him. I hurried down the hill and caught up to him by the playground.

  Katie was there just where we’d left her, swinging happily from the jungle gym. Our mothers were sitting on a nearby bench and watching her. Lady was snoring peacefully near the sandbox. Mrs. Golden looked up at us and waved.

  “There you are, guys,” she called. “We were about to go looking for you.”

  Jonah appeared not to have heard her. He was staring at his sister with a frightened expression on his face. “Are you okay, Katie? Did something happen to you?”

  She dropped down from the bars and skipped over to him. “No, I’m good. But I’m glad you came. I want to show you a trick I learned.” She tripped back to the slide. “Watch me, Jonah! Watch me!”

  But he wasn’t looking at her anymore. He wasn’t looking at any of us. He dropped heavily onto a nearby bench and put his head in his hands. His mom rushed over and sat down next to him. “Are you okay, sweetheart?” she asked him quietly. “Is it another migraine?” He shook his head and placed his hands over his ears. Mrs. Golden reached out to touch him, and her fingers brushed against his neck. “Oh God, Jonah, you’ve broken out into a sweat,” she fretted. “That’s it. We’re going back to Dr. Rosen and asking her to look at you again. I’m calling her office now.”

  Jonah pulled away and grabbed the phone from her hand. “I’m not sick, Mom,” he insisted sharply. “I’m just a little tired. And I had this—this ringing in my ears. I’m fine now. I just want to go to bed.”

  Mrs. Golden didn’t look convinced, but she took the phone from him and dropped it in her purse. As we headed for the car, I overheard her whispering to my mother. “He gets these sudden headaches,” she murmured in a worried voice. “But he doesn’t want to talk about them with the doctor.”

  “Why don’t you take him to Dr. Steiner?” my mom suggested. “I’ve worked as his secretary for years, and he’s great with teenagers.”

  Jonah muttered something under his breath and slumped down in the backseat next to me. Katie slid in on the other side and rested her head against my shoulder. It was a short ride home, but as soon as the car left the parking lot, Jonah appeared to doze off. As we rounded the corner onto our street, the car swayed and I accidentally bumped his arm. He shifted over without speaking, and I realized that he hadn’t actually been sleeping. The muscles in his shoulders were clenched tight, his arms rigid at the elbows; he was gripping the fabric of his jeans, his knuckles white over his knotted fists.

  He was suffering, but it was obvious that he didn’t want us to notice, so I said nothing and waited for it to pass. When my mother pulled our car into their driveway, he sprang out without a word and rushed into the house. His mom gave us an apologetic shrug. “Maybe I’ll call later for that doctor’s number,” she said and hurried after her son.

  Chapter 13

  It wasn’t why I was with him, of course, but I couldn’t help wondering if dating a cute guy might boost my reputation at Fallstaff. And maybe it would have done that—if Cora hadn’t been in the picture. But the rumor that Jonah had rejected the Princess of Fallstaff High was the hottest gossip of the year. So when he and I began to date, the wrath of the princess boiled over and consumed her.

  If it had just been Cora’s anger, I would have been fine with it. It might even have been fun to be the object of her envy. But Cora had the sworn allegiance of at least half the girls in our class and almost all the guys. So when she decided to make my life miserable, she had lots of help. She may have been an awful student, but she had an advanced degree in classmate torture.

  It began quietly enough. Name-calling, a missing notebook from my bag, gum stuck to my chair. But one morning after phys ed, as I was changing out of my gym uniform, I reached down to grab my shirt and discovered that my schoolbag had vanished. Not only that but the gym clothes that I’d just taken off had also disappeared. I found myself standing nearly naked, shaking and mortified in my underwear, with no way to call for help. The two girls who had been changing in the room with me had fled with all my things. I searched the bathroom frantically, but the lockers were all empty or closed; there was nothing in the entire place with which to cover myself. I couldn’t even call anyone—my cell phone was in my missing bag.

  I sat down and waited, hoping that someone would eventually rescue me. More than half an hour passed as I shivered in misery. Finally, near the end of English class, I heard a gentle tapping and the sound of Jonah’s voice. “April, are you in there?”

  I scrambled over to the door and opened it a crack. “Oh, thank God! How did you
know?”

  “You didn’t show up to English, and then I saw Cora whispering to Tessa and pointing to your empty seat. What happened?” He tried to push the door in, but I jammed it with my foot.

  “They took my schoolbag and my clothes. Can you hand me your sweater? I’m freezing.”

  He pulled it off and passed it through the crack. “You have to tell the principal.”

  It was hopeless though, and we both knew it. By the time the principal came back with us to investigate, my schoolbag and clothing had magically reappeared. I wasn’t physically hurt and none of my property had been stolen, so of course she told us to go back to class; there was nothing she could do.

  I changed into my school clothes and met Jonah in the cafeteria. “I can’t do this anymore,” I told him. “It’s getting worse each day. Did you hear they’ve started spreading rumors about me now?”

  He nodded. “I think everyone has.”

  “Oh, great. So then you’ve heard the latest one?”

  “About you cornering Miles in the library and asking him to—”

  I put my hands over my ears. “You don’t have to say it!”

  He looked embarrassed. “I’ve been thinking about this, and if you’ll let me, I can try to make them stop.”

  “How exactly?”

  He tapped his fingers on the lunchroom table and glanced at the group of girls around Cora. “Just follow my lead, okay?” he whispered. “No matter what I do, just trust me.”

  “Hold on, Jonah, can you at least tell me what—”

  But I never got to finish my question. He got up abruptly and backed away from me, his face a picture of disgust. “I trusted you!” he shouted at me suddenly. “You bitch!”

  There was a sudden clatter of trays, and a hush settled over the lunchroom. Everyone turned to look at us, and I felt my stomach knot up. What the hell was going on? How was this going to make anything better?

  “Jonah—” I began. But he stopped me with a gesture.

  “No, screw you, April! Just leave me alone!”

  And before I could say anything, he slammed his drink into the trash and stalked out of the cafeteria. I stayed long enough to see Cora scurrying out into the hallway after him. Then I gathered up my things, ran down to the bathroom, and called my mom to beg her to take me home.

  As soon as the school day was over, I marched over to Jonah’s house. His mom said he was up in his room, but I would have known that without her telling me. The floor was vibrating with a deep bass beat, and as I climbed the stairs, I recognized Linkin Park’s song “New Divide” echoing through the hallway. He was blasting it, and the words hit me like a crash of waves when I pushed open his door.

  Jonah was pounding at the punching bag with all his strength. His fists were flying in rhythm to the music, and he was panting from the effort; his cheeks were flushed and damp, his curls clinging to his forehead. He didn’t see me at first—his eyes were closed, and the beat was so loud that I had to shout his name a few times before he heard me. He wheeled around suddenly, and his eyes flew open. There was a startled, confused expression on his face, as if he hadn’t recognized me or couldn’t understand why I was there. Then he switched the music off, pulled me inside, and shut the door.

  “Jonah, what the hell is going on? How could you scream at me like that in front of the entire school? Do you have any idea what that was like for me?”

  “I know, I know—I’m sorry.” His words came out in little bursts and gasps. “Look—I was going to come over—and explain later. I just had to—I needed to clear my head first.”

  “Good,” I said sarcastically. “Do you need more time? Because I’ll go home if you’re too busy murdering your punching bag to speak to me.”

  He exhaled sharply. “I know exactly what I’m doing.”

  “Well, do you mind letting me in on your little secret then?”

  He reached out and took my hand. “Just calm down and give me a chance, okay? Please, April, I need you to trust me.”

  I moved away from him, but he stepped forward quickly and drew me into his arms. I was crying now; I started to push him back, but I was so miserable that I couldn’t find the strength to fight. Then he kissed me quietly and brushed the tears off of my cheeks, and suddenly I didn’t want to fight at all. I was almost ready to forget that I was angry. I stopped crying and relaxed against him, and he kissed me again, harder than he’d ever kissed me before, and then I nearly forgot why I’d come there in the first place. Slowly, purposefully, his mouth traveled across my cheek and behind my ear. I felt his hands move gently up my back. “There,” he whispered into my hair. “Do you still want to punch me? You can if you want.” I burbled something into his shirt, and he laughed softly. “Don’t get mad, okay? Just listen. The plan is simple. I’m going to break up with you for a few days. We won’t talk to one another or be seen together anywhere, even outside of school. Are you with me?”

  I nodded mutely, my face still buried in his shoulder.

  “Okay, good. Also, I’m asking Cora out tomorrow.”

  I jerked back and tried to push him away. But he’d anticipated that, and I found myself wrapped tighter in his arms.

  “Come on now,” he murmured impatiently as I struggled to free myself. “Stop it! Do you really think I’d betray you like that? Seriously?”

  He relaxed his hold, and I slipped out of his arms. “Dating Cora is part of your plan?”

  He nodded. “Just give me the next four days. I promise that this will all be over before the weekend, and the bullying will stop for good. Please. Let me do this for you.”

  I frowned and crossed my arms. “Okay, but what if it doesn’t work?”

  “Then we’ll be gone by next year anyway.”

  “Gone? What do you mean?”

  “I’m planning to transfer to the Baltimore School for the Arts. I want you to come with me.”

  “To an art school?”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’m not an artist. I write lyrics without music and I mess around on the keyboard. There’s no way they’ll ever take me.”

  “Oh please! You don’t have to be a child prodigy! I’ve heard you play. You’re better than most of the musicians at my old school.”

  “You’re exaggerating.”

  “No, I’m not. You just need more confidence. Look, it’s up to you. I promised my mom a year at Fallstaff, but that’s it. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve had enough of their advanced academics and brain control.”

  “Brain control? What are you talking about?”

  “I’m just asking you to think about it. I won’t go without you. I don’t even want to spend the next four days without you. But I can’t stay at Fallstaff much longer. It’s not…”

  He hesitated for a moment.

  “It’s not what, Jonah?”

  He looked down at his hands. “I can’t say right now. Just promise me you’ll think about it.”

  Chapter 14

  My cell rang as I was walking home from Jonah’s house.

  Before I’d even raised the phone to my ear, Kris’s voice boomed out, hissing outrage into the air.

  “He called you a bitch in front of the entire school? What the hell, April?”

  I groaned and considered hanging up. I didn’t want to have to justify Jonah’s behavior, especially since I didn’t exactly understand what he’d been thinking either.

  “Look. He had his reasons, okay? Please don’t judge. You weren’t there.”

  She snorted. “It’s a good thing that I wasn’t there. I would have kicked his ass.”

  I couldn’t help smiling. “I would have loved to see that. You know, for an ex-student, you are super tuned into Fallstaff gossip.”

  “I’m not tuned in. I’ve barely heard from you over the last few weeks. Then I log in to see half a dozen Facebo
ok updates and comments about Jonah’s tantrum. It’s all spelled out on Cora’s wall. And so I think, ‘ohhhh, that’s why April hasn’t been calling me. She’s embarrassed because her new boyfriend is a douche.’”

  I gripped the phone close to my mouth. “Don’t. You. Talk. About. Him. That. Way.”

  “He called you a bitch!”

  “You don’t know the whole story!”

  She exhaled and mumbled something inaudible.

  “Look, I don’t want to discuss this on the phone,” I told her. “Can you come over later?”

  “Yeah, I’m already on the bus to your house.”

  We arrived at the same time. Kris marched into my living room without a word and flopped down on the sofa. “Okay. What’s going on with you two?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “Well, maybe it wouldn’t be so complicated if you kept me updated. What happened to ‘April and Kris Saturdays’? You were the one who suggested the idea in the first place. But so far, all I’ve gotten is a month of excuses.”